I’ve always admired Charles Spurgeon. I love so many of the same things about Spurgeon that others commonly love about him: his preaching, wit, humor, courage, authenticity, boldness, and ministry faithfulness…to name a few. However, the more I learn about him, the more I feel drawn to some of the lesser-known qualities of Spurgeon.
As a very young pastor, he was one of the few pastors willing to go into the homes of those infected by the plague in London and care for the sick and dying. He was uniquely transparent about his struggles with depression. And another lesser-known mark of Spurgeon I have come to admire was his close, intimate friendships with other leaders.
Iain Murray wrote a biography on Spurgeon’s eventual successor, Archibald Brown, who pastored another large congregation on the other side of London from Spurgeon. There are a few moments in the book where Murray beautifully captures the sweet friendship that existed between Brown and Spurgeon. One aspect of Brown’s suffering was the loss of two different wives within a few years of the other.
Upon the despair and grief Brown experienced just days after the death of his second wife, Brown later wrote about Spurgeon’s care of him:
Broken with sore grief, I went over to the Metropolitan Tabernacle. I could not preach but I thought I could worship, and how amazed I was to find that he had prepared a sermon on purpose for me…As I turned round to come out at the close of the service, there was just one grip of his hand as he said, ‘I have done all I can for you, my poor fellow.’ I felt he had. I rode home with him that day, and had his loving fellowship as he sat with me during the afternoon.
Years later when Spurgeon was just a few weeks from his own death, he penned this final letter to Brown:
Beloved Brother, receive the assurance of my heart-love, although you need no such assurance from me. You have long been most dear to me; but in your standing shoulder to shoulder with me in protest against deadly error we have become more than ever one. The Lord sustain, comfort, perfect you! Debtors to free and sovereign grace, we will together sing to our redeeming Lord, world without end.
News of Spurgeon’s death reached Brown in London one day after his death. In Brown’s sermon that next Sunday at his church, he emotionally spoke about his dear friend who recently had passed on:
He has been to me a very Elijah, and I have loved in any way possible to minister to him. Our roots have been intertwined for well-nigh thirty years. Is it any wonder that I feel almost powerless this morning to think of him as a preacher, as an orator, as an organizer, or as anything except the dearest friend I have ever known.
Spurgeon and Brown were giants of their day, leading two of the largest churches in all of England. And yet, they both knew there was something they needed to survive the rigors of work and the personal suffering of their life—friendship. Not just any friendship, but a close, personal, intimate, and sacrificial friendship that regularly turned each other’s gaze to Jesus.
So…what is friendship?
“Friendship is an intimate relationship of love, trust, and loyalty.”
Or as Cicero says in his amazing essay on How to be a Friend…
“I say it is virtue that creates and preserves friendships. Virtue is the source of compatibility, stability and permanence. When virtue has raised itself up and shown its light and has seen the same light in someone else, it is drawn to that person and receives what it gives another. From this sharing either love or friendship shines forth, for they both come from the same word. To love someone simply means that you care for another person without putting your own needs or advantage first.”
I would argue that every leader needs the presence and friendship of other leaders to thrive and persevere throughout the unique challenges we face as leaders.
Again…Cicero…
“Who is there who would wish to be surrounded by all the riches in the world and enjoy every abundance in life and yet not love or be loved by anyone? Surely this is the life of a tyrant, a life in which there is no trust, no mutual affection, no expectation of kindness. Where all is anxiety and suspicion, there is no place for friendship. How can anyone love a person he fears, or love someone who fears him? Tyrants seem to be loved, but only for a time. When they fall from power, as they almost always do, then they discover how few friends they have.”
This brings me to three types of friendship…because in the English language, we are so limited with the words we often use to describe our relationships and affections…and as I go through these, I want you to think about your own friendships and how you now perceive each of them in this light.
Comrade: Authentic until proven otherwise, this type of friendship can abruptly turn, as seen in the cautionary tale of Job and his friends. In the Book of Job, Job is a righteous man who experiences immense suffering, including the loss of his wealth, health, and family.
Job's friends, rather than offering empathy and understanding, begin to accuse him of hidden sins as the cause of his suffering. They argue that Job must have done something to deserve such punishment from God.
Job, in response to their accusations and lack of understanding, expresses his frustration and anguish, feeling that his friends have turned against him rather than offering the comfort he had hoped for.
The story of Job and his friends serves as a cautionary tale about the importance of true friendship and empathy during times of adversity. It illustrates how individuals who initially appear to be friends may not truly understand or support us when faced with difficult circumstances. In this case, Job's friends, while well-intentioned at first, failed to offer the support and comfort that Job truly needed, leading to a realization that their friendship was not as genuine as it initially appeared.
Companion: Transactional and temporary, this friendship, while fulfilling common interests, may lack the depth needed in times of adversity. Who doesn’t desire a companion? Someone to walk with and to labor with; someone certainly of common interest. But what we find, often is in these more hollow friendships, they are transactional and temporary in the grand scheme of our lives.
Yet, what we long for as humans is again…what Cicero so beautifully captures…
“In friendship, as they say, unless you see an open heart and reveal your own, you’ll have nothing certain or trustworthy. You won’t know the pleasure of truly loving or being loved, since you won’t know what true love is.”
And this type of friendship is that of a Confidant…someone that is FOR you.
Confidant: The deepest and most meaningful friendship, exemplified by David and Jonathan, offers presence, comfort, protection, and the promise of enduring support. Despite the fact that Jonathan was the heir to the throne, he recognized God's favor on David and formed a deep and selfless friendship with him. Their friendship was marked by loyalty, trust, and mutual support.
Image: Jonathan and David, woodcut, 19th century.
In 1 Samuel 23, Saul is chasing David to kill him; while he is fleeing, David defeats the Philistines in Keilah by God’s hand, and then is betrayed by the very same people he came to the aid of. No doubt, David is weary, afraid, and doubting what God is doing.
And then in verse 15…when David is weary and afraid…Jonathan shows up.
What do we learn from this?
Leaders need friendship, and leaders benefit from friendship.
1) Because leaders inevitably experience opposition.
If you want everyone to like you—don’t lead.
Leaders need friendship because they need to know someone is for them.
2) Because leaders will experience betrayal.
It is often the people we seek to care for that bite us.
But it is God who knows and still protects his leaders in the unseen attacks.
3) Because leaders are tempted to doubt God in suffering.
The Lord is kindly protecting David in all this…but, let’s not miss how this would still affect David’s humanity.
Constantly on the run, weary, lonely, wondering what God is doing? Aren’t we too tempted to doubt God or ask what God is up to in suffering?
How do leaders benefit from friendship…let’s look at 1 Samuel 23:15-18…
Jonathan arrives at the perfect, providential time for David to need a friend and captures some of the benefits of friendship we, too, experience when it seems the world is against us and a close, safe, trusted friend shows up on the scene.
Presence (v 15-16): The power of simply being there for someone, as Jonathan was for David in his time of need.
Comfort (v17): Offering reassurance and comfort, a true friend recognizes and addresses fears and concerns.
Protection (v17): A genuine friend actively protects and supports, both physically and emotionally.
Promise (v18): Making a covenant before the Lord signifies a commitment to always be for and with each other.
As we journey through the complex landscape of relationships, be the kind of friend who not only celebrates joy but also serves as a steadfast support in times of despair. True friendship, we are reminded, acts as a sanctuary where the elements of presence, comfort, protection, and promise seamlessly intertwine, crafting a lasting and sacred bond. For in the end, a true friendship is a fearless friendship. A friendship in which you have nothing to gain and quite possibly, everything to lose.
I’ll close with one more quote from Cicero.
“True friendship can’t exist except between good people. A good man - whom we also call wise - holds to these two principles of friendship: first, never to lie or deceive (for a genuine man disagrees openly with a friend rather than hiding his real thoughts); second, always to reject slander brought by another and not even to be suspicious or believe that friend has done something wrong.”